24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
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*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.