St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
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every single time
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
he’s doing your taxes
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?