*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
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[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!