Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
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Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”