If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
You Might Also Like
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Smells like a challenge to me
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal