What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
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Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
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“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.