Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
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Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush