it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
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Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Try and stop me.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.