When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
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the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]