I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?