Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
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every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
cyclists
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I’d use my best pan on you.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.