6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
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When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Lube but for my dry humor.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying