Dammit Chief not again
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Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.