My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
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Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.