A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
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I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.