Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
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my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
These work great until they don’t.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.