My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
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I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
incredible text to wake up to
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.