Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
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how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.