HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
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My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?