[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
You Might Also Like
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes