yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
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If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.