Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
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I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
handsome & gretel
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants