Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
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The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
What my back needs
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.