My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
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If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”