We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
You Might Also Like
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I’d love this…lol
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
If only
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about