*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
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Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.