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Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do