Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
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Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.