If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
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I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Um … Hot Wings please
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡