If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
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They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
when you don’t want to be too vague
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe