My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
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GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood