I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
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Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Tell me you get it…🤣
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.