I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
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Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
spot the difference
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.