“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
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*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Midwest trash talk
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.