10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
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The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Me as a therapist: omg same
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
When your man makes a valid point
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.