Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
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The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.