I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
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[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day