[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
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[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
wtf is an acronym
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Dear Lord..
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.