I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
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Passed by a old school Math example today.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd