trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
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I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
dads on road-trips be like
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago