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HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.