Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
You Might Also Like
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…