TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
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My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
✌🏽
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Just me?
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
*skinny dips into black hole