Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
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Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
me hooking up with my ex
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.