The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
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Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
who wore it better?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
CRYING
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.