From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
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doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Mission: Impossible
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
peak technology
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could