Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
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[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.