What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
You Might Also Like
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.