On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
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I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?