Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
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CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
adding to the discourse
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.